I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
be right there i have to get my cape
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
