I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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