and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
