Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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