I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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