Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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