I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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