if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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