I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
