she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
