How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ketchup is God's man juice
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
