My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
