I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
