Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
