They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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