Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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