You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
