Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
