i would punch a child for taco bell
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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