The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
