The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
