I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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