I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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