how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
