Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
