We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think people are normalizing furries
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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