Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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