Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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