as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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