I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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