i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
