census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
