Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
