apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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