i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
