it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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