I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
