I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
