If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
