white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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