have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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