oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
