Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
