He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
