How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
