I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
