My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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