I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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