Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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