Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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