ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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